There are stages in a child’s life that feel uncontrollable, such as toddler tantrums, tween ticking timebombs, and teen terrorism!
Why is my baby so mad? Well, it’s developmentally appropriate for toddlers to throw tantrums, as they don’t yet have the words to express their feelings. They show how they feel by kicking, screaming, and throwing themselves on the floor.
Due to a monsoon of hormones, tweens and teens yell, blame you and the rest of the world for their problems, and argue every time you make a reasonable request. Can’t fix normal, unfortunately.
However, adopted kids tend to have more anger as they learn what the true meaning of being adopted is: Their biological parents could not keep them, gave them to you to adopt, and they feel different from their friends and the rest of their family. Confusion, sadness, anxiety, and fear can be more easily expressed with anger, so think about what other emotions lie underneath. But what do I DO, you may be asking?
You CAVE. No, not give in or throw in the towel. It’s an acronym I created to make the steps easy to remember.
- Calm myself-
- When your child is in a rage, they are in “downstairs brain”: fight, flight, freeze survival mode. If you are there, too, it’s a losing battle for both of you.
- Therefore, make sure you’re in “upstairs brain”: thinking clearly, not taken over by your own emotions, focused on calming your child.
- Notice what’s happening to your body when your child is screaming, snarling or rolling those eyes back in their head like a demon. Is your heart racing, hands, shaking, face heating up? Your body’s telling you to go downstairs and join your child, but ignore the urge!
- Instead, take several deep breaths like this: Take 5 seconds to breathe in through your nose, hold the air for 5 seconds, and release the breath from your mouth for 6 seconds until there’s no air left. You will slow your heart rate and bring oxygen to your brain to think more clearly.
- Pray for strength and patience! Beckon the Holy Spirit to give you the right words to say.
- Authentic connection-
- Speak to your child about what you are witnessing in a sincere, respectful and calm way,
- “I can tell you are really upset right now, and it must be really hard to stay in control. I want to help.”
- Validate, Validate, Validate-
- Identify the anger and three possible reasons for it that make sense. Use “because”, not “but”. “But” undoes any understanding you are trying to communicate.
- Example: You’re really mad right now
- Because your sister ate the last Twinkie.
- Because you were so excited to come home and have it, only to find it’s gone.
- Because there’s nothing else you want to snack on, and it’s all her fault.
- I get it. I really do,
- Continue to validate in this way until the child is in upstairs brain with you–calm, logical, demon exorcized.
- Expectations with love and teaching
- When, and only when, your child is calm,discuss behavioral expectations respectfully and use this as a teachable moment.
- “You’ve done a great job calming down. Thank you. It’s really hard to control our tempers sometimes. Taking deep breaths is a way to help you calm down, let’s practice together. Please try this when you notice yourself getting angry.”
- Yelling, name calling, and throwing things are unacceptable, but I’m here to help you practice using your words when you are angry.
- Can you tell me now, in your own words, why you were so angry?
Will this go perfectly every time? NO! Should you practice with Dad, a friend, or in the mirror by yourself? YES! The more you do it, the easier it will be. Don’t give up, but do it consistently.
Please visit my website at www.faithful-futures.com and sign up for my free 7-day video devotional for busy adoptive moms.
Finally, you can join my Facebook group for Christian adoptive moms by visiting my website.
I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself when the sacrificial life you’ve accepted gets hard. These three actions will make things a bit easier for you, which in turn makes them easier on your family.
1. Spend quiet alone time with God as frequently as possible.
I know this isn’t easy with kids, work, church, hubby, but even 5 minutes in prayer, scripture, and silence can be a life saver. Can hubby or a friend/neighbor give you a few minutes each day or week to focus on God? This leads me to my next suggestion:
2. Let go of perfectionism!
Of course we all want to live in a tidy, organized, immaculate home. However, is this realistic? I know that even when we could once afford a housekeeper, I felt the heaviness of the WASTE of money when the house was immediately filthy again! With three sons and two dogs, there was no way the house was going to stay spotless. Let it go and enjoy some you time: spending it watching TV with the kids, laughing with your husband, reading a book, having a cup of coffee (or wine-we're all adults here!) Letting go of perfectionism segues perfectly into the final step:
3. Ask for help when you need it! What does that have to do with perfectionism, Ligia? Well, I'll tell you: The kids are perfectly capable of helping around the house, and so is dear hubby. Will they put the dishes exactly where you want them in the dishwasher, or make the beds so well you can bounce a quarter off them, or fold the towels so beautifully you could nap on them? NO, but it's okay. Think how much time you'll get back by asking (ahem, REQUIRING) them to help you out. I saw an excellent quote on one of my social accounts the other day, and I will now leave this with you: "Gentle reminder that the 40 hour work week is outdated and was designed with the assumption someone else was going to be always taking care of the cooking, cleaning and household errands. It wasn't designed for you to be doing it all, and if you're having a hard time, YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE! (Author unknown) Amen, Sister Sledge. Amen!
If you'd like a done-for-you way to connect with God daily, download my free 7 day video devotional for busy adoptive mamas like you! Head on over to www.faithful-futures.com.
I also have a Face Book group for Christian Adoptive Moms that you can join by going to the same website above: www.faithful-futures.com
